Sketch Time: The Antiques Toadhole

INT. AUCTION HALL

We take in the whole scene. A sign above one table reads "Narcotics". It is manned by a police officer. A man sits down with a bag of white powder. The policeman examines it then handcuffs the man.

INT. AUCTION HALL - BARRY CROW'S TABLE

At a circular table sits Barry Crow, antiques expert. Next to him is Jim Peaswax, who has brought an ornate clock to be valued. Barry looks like a sleazy Met officer and talks with an exaggerated cockney accent. He is eating a large pasty.

Graphics: Barry Crow - Antiquesman

BARRY CROW
Right then, what the 'ell is this?

JIM PEASWAX
Uh, well, it was given to me by my father...

BARRY CROW
(interrupting)
I asked what it was, not what is its bleedin' life story!

JIM PEASWAX
Oh. Well, it's...it's a clock.

BARRY CROW
I KNOW IT'S A FUCKIN' CLOCK, WHAT TYPE OF CLOCK IS IT?

He sprays crumbs.

JIM PEASWAX
I...I'm not really sure...

BARRY CROW
Look, why did you bring the bloody thing in if you don't even know what type of clock it is?

JIM PEASWAX
Well, I thought you might be able to tell me...

Barry throws his pasty away.

BARRY CROW
Give me strength! Where do you keep the bastard?

JIM PEASWAX
It's, err, on the mantlepiece for the time being.

BARRY CROW
Bang, Mantlepiece Clock. Get it? Doesn't take a sodding genius!

JIM PEASWAX
Well, how much do you think it's worth?

Barry, who now has a cheeseburger, looks appalled.

BARRY CROW
How the fuck should I know? It's your bloody clock!

JIM PEASWAX
Do you think, maybe, twenty pounds?

BARRY CROW
I'll give you a fiver for it.

JIM PEASWAX
Ten pounds?

Barry considers this for a second.

BARRY CROW
Fuuuuuuuuuuck off!

He stuffs his face.


INT. AUCTION HALL - GRAHAM CRACKERS' SECTION

A large, ornate chest of drawers. To the left stands GRAHAM CRACKERS, furniture expert. To the right, TONY BUNCAKES, a punter. To the right of Tony stands a police officer keeping watch over the hall.

Graphics: GRAHAM CRACKERS, CHEST'S OF DRAWER'S

GRAHAM
Thank you so much for bringing in this wonderful chest of drawers, it really is magnificent!

Graham talks like an excited child and gesticulates madly, occassionally going on one knee and pointing madly or wrapping his arms around himself.

TONY
...magnificent, yes.

GRAHAM
When I see a piece of such quality, one name immediately springs to mind and that's the 18th century carpenter, ballet dancer and philanthropist Robin Banks.

TONY
...Robin Banks, yes.

The policeman hears this and looks over, a little confused.

GRAHAM
There is, of course, a problem when valuing pieces by Banks, that being the large number of copies which were made during the early twentieth century. A lot of dealers don't realise that they have in fact been selling forgeries!

TONY
...selling forgeries, yes!

The policeman looks alarmed and discreetly turns on a dictaphone.

GRAHAM
But really, it can be a serious problem because when one pays a great deal for a purported original, one takes a massive loss when selling it on, and frankly this is killing some people.

TONY
...killing some people, yes.

The policeman looks more shocked and starts talking into his radio.

GRAHAM
But, I've had a good look inside all the drawers and underneath and I'm happy to say that you have here an original Banks and Company with an Arthur and Klasky Number Forty-Seven writing desk attachment, or AK-47.

TONY
...AK-47, yes.

The policeman looks extremely shocked, is face a grimace of suprise and alarm. He pats his pockets for his truncheon.

GRAHAM
I really can't be sure of a price but I'd have to say that at a specialist auction you could be looking at two hundred thousand pounds, minus comission!

TONY
...twenty-five thousand pounds minus comission, yes.

The policeman leaps out, truncheon in one hand and a spray can in the
other.

POLICEMAN
AHA! Got you! It's all on tape, so don't even bother
denying it!

GRAHAM
If you are intent on selling, may I reccommend...

POLICEMAN
Quiet, scum!

He sprays the expert in the face. A green mist encompasses his head and all that is left is a skull.

SKULL
NAK-NAK-NAK-NAK-NAK!

The expert collapses in a heap of clothes.

TONY
...scum, yes.

POLICEMAN
Where were you going to do the job?

TONY
...the job, yes.

POLICEMAN
Don't try and stall, punk! I've got a truncheon and I'm not afraid to use it!

TONY
...to use it, yes.

POLICEMAN
Hang on a minute!

He "unmasks" Tony, revealing a Macaw underneath his face.

MACAW
Hang on a minute, yes! Rawk!

It flies off out of the skylight with jerky animation.

EXT. STREETS - DAY

We are alongside the macaw as it zooms down motorways and though towns to music.


INT. AUCTION HALL - PETER PIPER

The expert is PETER PIPER. Graphics: He picked a peck of pickled peppers.

A tall, heavily built man of African descent stands next to a wicker coffin standing upright. His name is MOKELE M'BEMBE

PIPER
Well then, what have you brought in for us?

M'BEMBE
An ancestor.

He remains completely deadpan.

PIPER
Oh...well then, let's have a look, shall we?

He opens the coffin, producing a cloud of dust.

PIPER
Good lord!

The camera quickly zooms in on the contents of the coffin - the shrivelled corpse of an Ethopian long distance runner, complete with vest, shorts and a piece of card with the number "47" written on it.

TRIBAL VOICES
AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

M'BEMBE
He died a warrior's death, winning the fifteen hundred metres final at the triple-As in Watford.

PIPER
I see. May I ask how he came to be involved in a British event?

M'BEMBE
He had a wildcard.

M'Bembe produces a large playing card upon which is a picture of a flamboyant King pulling a ridiculous face. It is the twenty-eight of Spam. M'Bembe hands it to Peter.

PIPER
Yes, that certainly is a pretty wild card. Looking at the...well..item, we have the maker's mark here, that of a famous designer in Addis Ababba called "forty-seven". Moving on, you can see that the nose is a little bent out of shape and, if you look closely, the forehead is chipped.

M'BEMBE
This is the result of my blessed ancestor courageously running into an advertising board at
the end of the race, showing his disgust at your people's obession with material possessions.

PIPER
Right. Well, in terms of price, obviously it has great sentimental value to you.

M'BEMBE
No! Do not be fooled. This is nothing more than a worthless husk.

PIPER
Well, it might suprise you to learn that I have seen these at auction going for two thousand pounds!

M'Bembe suddenly talks in a camp voice.

M'BEMBE
Really? No! Get away! Ooh! You are joking aren't you? Well bless you, you're a little darling!

Peter Piper pulls a strange face.

The Mailbag

Since I started the Feckless Tapestry, I've received a "flood" of letters, which I can only presume are from devoted fans. I'm always very happy to receive fan mail, even when said mail is of poor quality and/or confusing. In the first of a bi-annual feature, I'm going to print the very best letters here. Coincidentally, that is all of them!!

"Dear Mr Johnson,
we note with some regret your failure to appear at your scheduled court hearing on 16/10/05. I have been informed by the chief constable that one way, or another, we're gonna find ya, we're gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha one way, or another.....

Greetings, Judge Christmaster"



"Dear John,
I was sorry to hear about your mothers sudden and unnecessary death. I have fired her.

Yours Mournfully, Lionel H Groating Esq."



"Dear Michelle,
you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I found you. After 18 months said bar went bust... oh oh uhhhhoo. I'm giving you six weeks notice babbeeeyy... six weeks notice....ooohooooohooohoooo. Loving memories.

Barnaby B. Barnaby"



"Dear Martin,
following your father's accident I have arranged for all the items previously used by his now defunct left arm to be incinerated in a large wicker man.

Faithfully, "Dynamite" Nicky Paintstripper."



"Salutations home owner!

Today is your lucky day! You've won a around the world tour to Torquey, where you will stay in a star hotel and eat all your favourite KFC menu items once! To claim your prize just send a cheque for the price of your house and your eldest child to this address:

No address.

Dr. Bernard Brute."



"Dear Vincent,
It's me, Barry! Listen I've become trapped in this letter and can't get out without your help! You must find Mystic Wu Fang and get him to undo the Curse of Thundering Toes before I am forever entombed in this oily parchment.

Yours hopefully, Barry Cryer MBE."



"Dear Arthur,
there has beene a terrible mystake! Thee sworde iss stille in thee storne! Pull a bit bloodeh harder nexte tyme!

Mye warmest hallos, Merlin"



"Dear Sir,
we are currently in the prcoess of updating our records and would appreciate it if you could confirm the following. You were born Noddy Curtis Fagwoman, the son of a seamstress and a black and white minstrel. You grew up in a shoe, until the age of 7 when it grew too tight. You were talent spotted by Ernie Gorgeous when on stage yodelling the theme tune of Star Trek: Voyager. You became famous for a short while, but were soon back to your old job mucking out old people. You once kissed a ghost on the penis. Your favourite colour is 'transparent'.

Thankings, Percy Spinwater."

Keep 'em coming, folks! ;-D

The Radio Times

5.00 BYKER GROVE

Shithead gets beaten up by Wazza and his cronies. An old lady is found in the Grove coated in breadcrumbs.

5.30 NEWSHORSE

Presented by Dobbin.

5.40 NEIGHBOURS

Harold Bishop trips over his own jowels and is run over by a Boeing 747.

6.00 THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS

Last in the current series.

6.30 STARING SOUTH

News where you are. With Arnie Petroleum and Carol McWrestling.

7.00 A QUESTION OF SPORT

This week: who would win in a race between a darts player and an opposum?

7.30 FILM: CORONATION STREET

Big screen version of the popular soap, starring Cameron Diaz as Gail Platt. ***

9:30 INSPECTOR JUDGE SIR MALCOLM GREENWATER INVESTIGATES

Sir Malcolm faces a conflict of interests as he investigates the murder of the Chief Constable by his friend Judge Bromby.

10.30 THE NEWS AT 10

Oops.

10.29 THE WEATHER

With Cyril Neckbeard.

11.00 UGLY FREAKS

A chance to laugh at the ugly and terminally ill, thinly diguised as a serious documentary. This epsiode explores the issued faced by people who can only say "Grampian". Narrated by Harry Hill.

12.00 THE TUBE ZONE

Hip 'n' happening chat for young people. This week, Jez Kossack interviews upcoming band The Sexy Marmalades. With signing.

12.30 CLOSE

Please turn off your television.

You couldn't make it up!

There follows a comprehensive collection of quotations from my Dad's ex-colleague, who shall remain nameless. I've mentioned a few before, but these are straight from The List my Dad kept at work. Actually, teachers at my primary school used to keep a little book with things I said in it, but that's an altogether less amusing post.

I'll just post them as they're written. Answers for less obvious ones at the bottom.

Edit: This bastarding template won't show up numbered bullets. If only I could be arsed to do something about it.

1. The Beano Manual
   
2. You might catch ammonia.
3. I don't know whether it was a cremation or a funeral.
4. "Beer tanker"
5. He's got the prudential to go to the top.
6. Creso.
7. Flange.
8. Flang.
9. Grey as a bat.
10. Time walk.
11. Tungstead.
12. Cost an arm and the earth.
13. He heard something catch his eye.
14. Leon Lewis
15. Jeremy Paxton
16. Headhache
17. It was memorising.
18. Landskate
19. Taunt for business.
20. He writes as fast as a train.
21. Unindated
22. Polo vaccination
23. Headstrong wind
24. Primitive fence
25. Black golden labrador
26. Big Daddy is watching you!
27. "My father used to work at a milk dairy"
28. Les Dyneham
29. I heard a glimpse
30. Croatio are the dark underdogs.

Answers:

2. Pneumonia 4. Tankard! 5. Potential 6. Creosote 7. Flan 8. Flan 9. Who knows? 11. Tungsten 14. Lennox Lewis 17. Mesmerising 18. Landscape 19. Tout, not taunt! 20. Again, who knows? 24. Perimeter 28. Des Lynam

Artists with fifty times my talent.

Greetang. Just recently I've been on the lookout for webcomics which appeal to my "special" sense of humour. I already knew of a few, such as Men in Hats and Red Meat, but there are some very funny ones out there which I thought I would share with you, dear friends.

Men in Hats

No longer updating, but the archives are full of classics.


Red Meat

I've linked to this before. It's, like, really good.


White Ninja

Okay, so not drawn well, but full of gory, childish fun.


The Perry Bible Fellowship

Where the innocent and the sinister meet. Brilliantly drawn.


Achewood

Hit and miss, but when it's good it's very good.


Dinosaur Comics

Not laugh out loud funny, but good for a chuckle.

Caption Competition!

Flight Lieutenant Major Sir Geoffrey Brigg-Esquire Fanshaw Hedley McWaldorf Smythe goes down the shops.

Careless pilot dumps crude oil onto forest fire.


Military's makeshift battering ram "distasteful".



Tank gunner blinded in "tragic" accident.



Nigerian tarmac shortage leads to desperate measures.

The Origins of Halloween

Greeting!

My name is Steve "Caravan" Bladders, and I am currently Professor of Halloween at Cambrudge University. I have written between two and five papers on Halloween, some in collaboration with my 'special' friend Barnaby Rookshaft and others with a gentlemen.

Although more people celebrate Halloween than celebrate Christmas and St Bastard's Day combined, few of us are aware of where our proud Halloween traditions originated. So let's take it from the start!




The origins of Halloween can be traced to over six years ago. A common misconception is that Halloween began as a Celtic tradition in Ireland. However, if you believe this you are a moron! In truth, Halloween, or All Hallo's Evening, started in medieval England. The festival has its roots in the murder of King Arthur at the hands of a poltergeist. Though unconfirmed rumours suggested that she had actually been killed by the jealous husband of his mistress, whose children he had cast into the North Sea and whose money he had fed to his pigs, his death sparked a major campaign by the people of Angland (as it was known back then) to eradiciate every ghost, spectre, hobgoblin, snood monster, perriwinkle, flabbin, arch-mawkin and cackman in the land. Peasants would roam the moors wielding torches and shouting "Garraagh" in an attempt to drive their supernatural foes away. In one tragic incident, the city of Lincoln was torn down by an angry mob who had mistaken its residents for ghouls and hags. They even went as far as to fill in a large section of the River Witham with stones, because "Das where da horrors get in".

Over the years, the anniversary of King Arthur's death evolved into the Halloween we know today. In place of the rampaging mobs, we have small children who play "Trick or Treat", in which the elderly have the choice of handing over cash, or else they will have their windows tippexed over and flaming hedgehogs shoved into their letterboxes. Parties are held, at which children and adults alike play "Bobbing for Apples", a modern take on the old game "Drown My Mother". In this, several apples are floated in a large tub of water, and people must race to eat the most apples until they are all gone. Other ways to win include swallowing an apple whole, nutting your opponent into submission or drinking all the water. Sometimes, a booby item is added, such as a turd or dead budgie. Also popular at Halloween are Toffee Apples. These are apples dipped into molten sugar and left to cool. The cooling stage is most important, as molten sugar is hotter than the sun. The intense heat of the sugar was originally thought to vaporise any ghosts residing within the apple in maggot form.

I hope you have enjoyed this introduction to the origins of Halloween. If you would like to know more, please read my book, "More About the Origins of Halloween" by Steve "Caravan" Bladders and a gentleman. Good Bark!