The Feckless Tapestry

Sketch Time: The Antiques Toadhole

2007-02-19T22:01:00.000Z

INT. AUCTION HALL

We take in the whole scene. A sign above one table reads "Narcotics". It is manned by a police officer. A man sits down with a bag of white powder. The policeman examines it then handcuffs the man.

INT. AUCTION HALL - BARRY CROW'S TABLE

At a circular table sits Barry Crow, antiques expert. Next to him is Jim Peaswax, who has brought an ornate clock to be valued. Barry looks like a sleazy Met officer and talks with an exaggerated cockney accent. He is eating a large pasty.

Graphics: Barry Crow - Antiquesman

BARRY CROW
Right then, what the 'ell is this?

JIM PEASWAX
Uh, well, it was given to me by my father...

BARRY CROW
(interrupting)
I asked what it was, not what is its bleedin' life story!

JIM PEASWAX
Oh. Well, it's...it's a clock.

BARRY CROW
I KNOW IT'S A FUCKIN' CLOCK, WHAT TYPE OF CLOCK IS IT?

He sprays crumbs.

JIM PEASWAX
I...I'm not really sure...

BARRY CROW
Look, why did you bring the bloody thing in if you don't even know what type of clock it is?

JIM PEASWAX
Well, I thought you might be able to tell me...

Barry throws his pasty away.

BARRY CROW
Give me strength! Where do you keep the bastard?

JIM PEASWAX
It's, err, on the mantlepiece for the time being.

BARRY CROW
Bang, Mantlepiece Clock. Get it? Doesn't take a sodding genius!

JIM PEASWAX
Well, how much do you think it's worth?

Barry, who now has a cheeseburger, looks appalled.

BARRY CROW
How the fuck should I know? It's your bloody clock!

JIM PEASWAX
Do you think, maybe, twenty pounds?

BARRY CROW
I'll give you a fiver for it.

JIM PEASWAX
Ten pounds?

Barry considers this for a second.

BARRY CROW
Fuuuuuuuuuuck off!

He stuffs his face.

INT. AUCTION HALL - GRAHAM CRACKERS' SECTION

A large, ornate chest of drawers. To the left stands GRAHAM CRACKERS, furniture expert. To the right, TONY BUNCAKES, a punter. To the right of Tony stands a police officer keeping watch over the hall.

Graphics: GRAHAM CRACKERS, CHEST'S OF DRAWER'S

GRAHAM
Thank you so much for bringing in this wonderful chest of drawers, it really is magnificent!

Graham talks like an excited child and gesticulates madly, occassionally going on one knee and pointing madly or wrapping his arms around himself.

TONY
...magnificent, yes.

GRAHAM
When I see a piece of such quality, one name immediately springs to mind and that's the 18th century carpenter, ballet dancer and philanthropist Robin Banks.

TONY
...Robin Banks, yes.

The policeman hears this and looks over, a little confused.

GRAHAM
There is, of course, a problem when valuing pieces by Banks, that being the large number of copies which were made during the early twentieth century. A lot of dealers don't realise that they have in fact been selling forgeries!

TONY
...selling forgeries, yes!

The policeman looks alarmed and discreetly turns on a dictaphone.

GRAHAM
But really, it can be a serious problem because when one pays a great deal for a purported original, one takes a massive loss when selling it on, and frankly this is killing some people.

TONY
...killing some people, yes.

The policeman looks more shocked and starts talking into his radio.

GRAHAM
But, I've had a good look inside all the drawers and underneath and I'm happy to say that you have here an original Banks and Company with an Arthur and Klasky Number Forty-Seven writing desk attachment, or AK-47.

TONY
...AK-47, yes.

The policeman looks extremely shocked, is face a grimace of suprise and alarm. He pats his pockets for his truncheon.

GRAHAM
I really can't be sure of a price but I'd have to say that at a specialist auction you could be looking at two hundred thousand pounds, minus comission!

TONY
...twenty-five thousand pounds minus comission, yes.

The policeman leaps out, truncheon in one hand and a spray can in the
other.

POLICEMAN
AHA! Got you! It's all on tape, so don't even bother
denying it!

GRAHAM
If you are intent on selling, may I reccommend...

POLICEMAN
Quiet, scum!

He sprays the expert in the face. A green mist encompasses his head and all that is left is a skull.

SKULL
NAK-NAK-NAK-NAK-NAK!

The expert collapses in a heap of clothes.

TONY
...scum, yes.

POLICEMAN
Where were you going to do the job?

TONY
...the job, yes.

POLICEMAN
Don't try and stall, punk! I've got a truncheon and I'm not afraid to use it!

TONY
...to use it, yes.

POLICEMAN
Hang on a minute!

He "unmasks" Tony, revealing a Macaw underneath his face.

MACAW
Hang on a minute, yes! Rawk!

It flies off out of the skylight with jerky animation.

EXT. STREETS - DAY

We are alongside the macaw as it zooms down motorways and though towns to music.

INT. AUCTION HALL - PETER PIPER

The expert is PETER PIPER. Graphics: He picked a peck of pickled peppers.

A tall, heavily built man of African descent stands next to a wicker coffin standing upright. His name is MOKELE M'BEMBE

PIPER
Well then, what have you brought in for us?

M'BEMBE
An ancestor.

He remains completely deadpan.

PIPER
Oh...well then, let's have a look, shall we?

He opens the coffin, producing a cloud of dust.

PIPER
Good lord!

The camera quickly zooms in on the contents of the coffin - the shrivelled corpse of an Ethopian long distance runner, complete with vest, shorts and a piece of card with the number "47" written on it.

TRIBAL VOICES
AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

M'BEMBE
He died a warrior's death, winning the fifteen hundred metres final at the triple-As in Watford.

PIPER
I see. May I ask how he came to be involved in a British event?

M'BEMBE
He had a wildcard.

M'Bembe produces a large playing card upon which is a picture of a flamboyant King pulling a ridiculous face. It is the twenty-eight of Spam. M'Bembe hands it to Peter.

PIPER
Yes, that certainly is a pretty wild card. Looking at the...well..item, we have the maker's mark here, that of a famous designer in Addis Ababba called "forty-seven". Moving on, you can see that the nose is a little bent out of shape and, if you look closely, the forehead is chipped.

M'BEMBE
This is the result of my blessed ancestor courageously running into an advertising board at
the end of the race, showing his disgust at your people's obession with material possessions.

PIPER
Right. Well, in terms of price, obviously it has great sentimental value to you.

M'BEMBE
No! Do not be fooled. This is nothing more than a worthless husk.

PIPER
Well, it might suprise you to learn that I have seen these at auction going for two thousand pounds!

M'Bembe suddenly talks in a camp voice.

M'BEMBE
Really? No! Get away! Ooh! You are joking aren't you? Well bless you, you're a little darling!

Peter Piper pulls a strange face.

The Mailbag

2006-01-14T20:26:00.000Z

Since I started the Feckless Tapestry, I've received a "flood" of letters, which I can only presume are from devoted fans. I'm always very happy to receive fan mail, even when said mail is of poor quality and/or confusing. In the first of a bi-annual feature, I'm going to print the very best letters here. Coincidentally, that is all of them!!

"Dear Mr Johnson,
we note with some regret your failure to appear at your scheduled court hearing on 16/10/05. I have been informed by the chief constable that one way, or another, we're gonna find ya, we're gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha one way, or another.....

Greetings, Judge Christmaster"

"Dear John,
I was sorry to hear about your mothers sudden and unnecessary death. I have fired her.

Yours Mournfully, Lionel H Groating Esq."

"Dear Michelle,
you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I found you. After 18 months said bar went bust... oh oh uhhhhoo. I'm giving you six weeks notice babbeeeyy... six weeks notice....ooohooooohooohoooo. Loving memories.

Barnaby B. Barnaby"

"Dear Martin,
following your father's accident I have arranged for all the items previously used by his now defunct left arm to be incinerated in a large wicker man.

Faithfully, "Dynamite" Nicky Paintstripper."

"Salutations home owner!

Today is your lucky day! You've won a around the world tour to Torquey, where you will stay in a star hotel and eat all your favourite KFC menu items once! To claim your prize just send a cheque for the price of your house and your eldest child to this address:

No address.

Dr. Bernard Brute."

"Dear Vincent,
It's me, Barry! Listen I've become trapped in this letter and can't get out without your help! You must find Mystic Wu Fang and get him to undo the Curse of Thundering Toes before I am forever entombed in this oily parchment.

Yours hopefully, Barry Cryer MBE."

"Dear Arthur,
there has beene a terrible mystake! Thee sworde iss stille in thee storne! Pull a bit bloodeh harder nexte tyme!

Mye warmest hallos, Merlin"

"Dear Sir,
we are currently in the prcoess of updating our records and would appreciate it if you could confirm the following. You were born Noddy Curtis Fagwoman, the son of a seamstress and a black and white minstrel. You grew up in a shoe, until the age of 7 when it grew too tight. You were talent spotted by Ernie Gorgeous when on stage yodelling the theme tune of Star Trek: Voyager. You became famous for a short while, but were soon back to your old job mucking out old people. You once kissed a ghost on the penis. Your favourite colour is 'transparent'.

Thankings, Percy Spinwater."

Keep 'em coming, folks! ;-D

The Radio Times

2006-01-06T22:21:00.000Z

5.00 BYKER GROVE

Shithead gets beaten up by Wazza and his cronies. An old lady is found in the Grove coated in breadcrumbs.

5.30 NEWSHORSE

Presented by Dobbin.

5.40 NEIGHBOURS

Harold Bishop trips over his own jowels and is run over by a Boeing 747.

6.00 THE 6 O'CLOCK NEWS

Last in the current series.

6.30 STARING SOUTH

News where you are. With Arnie Petroleum and Carol McWrestling.

7.00 A QUESTION OF SPORT

This week: who would win in a race between a darts player and an opposum?

7.30 FILM: CORONATION STREET

Big screen version of the popular soap, starring Cameron Diaz as Gail Platt. ***

9:30 INSPECTOR JUDGE SIR MALCOLM GREENWATER INVESTIGATES

Sir Malcolm faces a conflict of interests as he investigates the murder of the Chief Constable by his friend Judge Bromby.

10.30 THE NEWS AT 10

Oops.

10.29 THE WEATHER

With Cyril Neckbeard.

11.00 UGLY FREAKS

A chance to laugh at the ugly and terminally ill, thinly diguised as a serious documentary. This epsiode explores the issued faced by people who can only say "Grampian". Narrated by Harry Hill.

12.00 THE TUBE ZONE

Hip 'n' happening chat for young people. This week, Jez Kossack interviews upcoming band The Sexy Marmalades. With signing.

12.30 CLOSE

Please turn off your television.

You couldn't make it up!

2005-11-21T22:46:00.000Z

There follows a comprehensive collection of quotations from my Dad's ex-colleague, who shall remain nameless. I've mentioned a few before, but these are straight from The List my Dad kept at work. Actually, teachers at my primary school used to keep a little book with things I said in it, but that's an altogether less amusing post.

I'll just post them as they're written. Answers for less obvious ones at the bottom.

Edit: This bastarding template won't show up numbered bullets. If only I could be arsed to do something about it.

The Beano Manual
You might catch ammonia.
I don't know whether it was a cremation or a funeral.
"Beer tanker"
He's got the prudential to go to the top.
Creso.
Flange.
Flang.
Grey as a bat.
Time walk.
Tungstead.
Cost an arm and the earth.
He heard something catch his eye.
Leon Lewis
Jeremy Paxton
Headhache
It was memorising.
Landskate
Taunt for business.
He writes as fast as a train.
Unindated
Polo vaccination
Headstrong wind
Primitive fence
Black golden labrador
Big Daddy is watching you!
"My father used to work at a milk dairy"
Les Dyneham
I heard a glimpse
Croatio are the dark underdogs.

Answers:

2. Pneumonia 4. Tankard! 5. Potential 6. Creosote 7. Flan 8. Flan 9. Who knows? 11. Tungsten 14. Lennox Lewis 17. Mesmerising 18. Landscape 19. Tout, not taunt! 20. Again, who knows? 24. Perimeter 28. Des Lynam

Artists with fifty times my talent.

2005-11-12T23:38:00.000Z

Greetang. Just recently I've been on the lookout for webcomics which appeal to my "special" sense of humour. I already knew of a few, such as Men in Hats and Red Meat, but there are some very funny ones out there which I thought I would share with you, dear friends.

Men in Hats

No longer updating, but the archives are full of classics.

Red Meat

I've linked to this before. It's, like, really good.

White Ninja

Okay, so not drawn well, but full of gory, childish fun.

The Perry Bible Fellowship

Where the innocent and the sinister meet. Brilliantly drawn.

Achewood

Hit and miss, but when it's good it's very good.

Dinosaur Comics

Not laugh out loud funny, but good for a chuckle.

Caption Competition!

2005-11-03T01:24:00.000Z

Flight Lieutenant Major Sir Geoffrey Brigg-Esquire Fanshaw Hedley McWaldorf Smythe goes down the shops.

Careless pilot dumps crude oil onto forest fire.

Military's makeshift battering ram "distasteful".

Tank gunner blinded in "tragic" accident.

Nigerian tarmac shortage leads to desperate measures.

The Origins of Halloween

2005-10-29T20:32:00.000+01:00

Greeting!

My name is Steve "Caravan" Bladders, and I am currently Professor of Halloween at Cambrudge University. I have written between two and five papers on Halloween, some in collaboration with my 'special' friend Barnaby Rookshaft and others with a gentlemen.

Although more people celebrate Halloween than celebrate Christmas and St Bastard's Day combined, few of us are aware of where our proud Halloween traditions originated. So let's take it from the start!

The origins of Halloween can be traced to over six years ago. A common misconception is that Halloween began as a Celtic tradition in Ireland. However, if you believe this you are a moron! In truth, Halloween, or All Hallo's Evening, started in medieval England. The festival has its roots in the murder of King Arthur at the hands of a poltergeist. Though unconfirmed rumours suggested that she had actually been killed by the jealous husband of his mistress, whose children he had cast into the North Sea and whose money he had fed to his pigs, his death sparked a major campaign by the people of Angland (as it was known back then) to eradiciate every ghost, spectre, hobgoblin, snood monster, perriwinkle, flabbin, arch-mawkin and cackman in the land. Peasants would roam the moors wielding torches and shouting "Garraagh" in an attempt to drive their supernatural foes away. In one tragic incident, the city of Lincoln was torn down by an angry mob who had mistaken its residents for ghouls and hags. They even went as far as to fill in a large section of the River Witham with stones, because "Das where da horrors get in".

Over the years, the anniversary of King Arthur's death evolved into the Halloween we know today. In place of the rampaging mobs, we have small children who play "Trick or Treat", in which the elderly have the choice of handing over cash, or else they will have their windows tippexed over and flaming hedgehogs shoved into their letterboxes. Parties are held, at which children and adults alike play "Bobbing for Apples", a modern take on the old game "Drown My Mother". In this, several apples are floated in a large tub of water, and people must race to eat the most apples until they are all gone. Other ways to win include swallowing an apple whole, nutting your opponent into submission or drinking all the water. Sometimes, a booby item is added, such as a turd or dead budgie. Also popular at Halloween are Toffee Apples. These are apples dipped into molten sugar and left to cool. The cooling stage is most important, as molten sugar is hotter than the sun. The intense heat of the sugar was originally thought to vaporise any ghosts residing within the apple in maggot form.

I hope you have enjoyed this introduction to the origins of Halloween. If you would like to know more, please read my book, "More About the Origins of Halloween" by Steve "Caravan" Bladders and a gentleman. Good Bark!

Surreal Pub Signs

2005-09-27T00:01:00.000+01:00

(co-written by Dave B who just won't leave me alone)

The Pint of Beer - a picture of a pint of beer.
Mr Charles' Pipe - an undertaker handing a pipe to a widow.
Jerry's Can - German SS officer crushes a can in his hand.
The Owl and the Turncoat - a shifty looking owl handing a briefcase to a man in a trenchcoat.
The Longest Coat - a man is drowned in a vast jacket.
The Zippy & George - a picture of Elmo and Oscar.
Dr Panda and Me - a panda in a labcoat wearing spectacles inspects a naked man tied down to a table.
Kettles-at-Dawn - two 18th century gentleman meet in the morning dew with kettles for hands.
The Rembrandt - a stick figure.
The Rembrandts - a band looking sad being overshadowed by the cast of Friends.
My Dad's A-fallin' - a cliff with a small figure tumbling down it.
Your Tomb. - A skeleton sitting on a stool with a funny hat on.
The Silly Elk - several elk in a field with one wearing a party hat.
The Demon Gardener - pic of a gardener impaling a country gentleman.

Oh my god! You're so UGLY!

2005-09-18T23:44:00.000+01:00

(by David Bowman BA and Simon London BEng)

**********************************************************
MEMO
TO: Bernard Tastings
FROM: Patricia Wolverine
SUBJECT: Shatley Borough Council - New Members
**********************************************************

Bernard,
please find atached iformation on the new mebbers for this term. I would be vary gratfeul if you cold prof read it and pot it up in the Innernet. Thangs for this, I owe yuo launch!

-Pat
**********************************************************

NAME: Sir Jeffrey Shadowes
PARTY: The Strict Mothers' Guild
FAVOURITE FOOD: MacGuffin 'n' Chips

NAME: "Fun Times" Bob Twister

PARTY: The St Dracula Party

FAVOURITE FOOD: Police Cake

NAME: Mr P.E. Ncil
PARTY: Fromage Party
FAVOURITE MOVIE: A Sixpence For Your Eyebrows

NAME: Shikha "Triceratops" Toad
PARTY: Liberal Demon Bats
FAVOURITE TV SHOW: Captain Jekyll and First Mate Hyde

NAME: Edward "Das Balloon" Swellings
PARTY: The Commodores
FAVOURITE POP GROUP: The Labour Party

NAME: Elvis "Beaten up Asian version" Presley
POLITICAL LEANING: 45 degrees over a balcony
FAVOURITE FOOD: Madagascar Spaghetti Sundae

NAME: "NAAK NAAK" Brenda Envelope
PARTY: The Free McThomas Arselicker Party
HOBBIES: Deer washing, trouser painting

NAME: Pratty McOldshag
PARTY: The Krazy Party!
MOTTO: "Woooah! I'm crazeeeee!"

NAME: Yvegeni Igor Vladmir Ianovich, Commissar for the Mir of Novgorod
ARE YOU A RUSSIAN SECRET AGENT? Niet. Comrade. I mean...vriend.

NAME: Nigel "The Hornet King" Mansell
PARTY: The Jazz Badger Archive
HOBBIES: Extreme Boat Punching, Crockery Mauling

NAME: Offender No. 64 - A Photokit
WANTED: For impersonating The Queen
REWARD: A Purple Rupee and Five Arrows

NAME: Mr Sadde
PARTY: AOL Time Warner
FAVOURITE TV SHOW: Sexbitch the Milkman

NAME: Bernadette "Disorientated" Cokes
PARTY: The Anti Baby Party
FAVOURITE FOOD: Spicy Christmas Bastard Crackers

Kelloggs Replaces Entire Range

2005-08-28T23:43:00.000+01:00

(Co-written by Iain "Curly haired lanky Scots arse invader" Wallace. No offence.)

Kelloggs PLC Limited have been through a turbulent few weeks. The leadership of the company changed hands in bloody circumstances after Tony the Tiger chewed the head off of Kellogg the Cockerel (from the corn flakes box) at the AGM in Morecombe. It turned out that this was part of an elaborate plan by Cocoa the Monkey to seize control of Kelloggs PLC Incorporated, backed by the formidable Tony and funded by black market sales of honey secreted by the Honey Monster. Just days earlier, Kellogg the Cockerel's staunch allies Snap, Crackle and Pop had been found in a ditch stuffed full of Pop Tarts. Police had estimated that the Pop Tarts had been microwaved for up to two hours. Cocoa the Monkey was implicated, but with only circumstantial evidence to hand he remains a free monkey.

President Cocoa, or "El Conquistador" as he now likes to be known, has recently announced an updated range of Kelloggs GMBH cereals. It is suspected that these replacements may be Evil.

Con Flakes - consists of a box full of either sand, shrapnel, or sulphuric acid.
Special Ops - you open the box and armed SAS officers shoot your house up.
Crunchy Nut Corn Frakes - toasted corn in the shape of cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Shergar Puffs - crunchy shards of hoof.
Cocoa Pox - thought to have been eradicated in the 1970s, but it's back!
Fruit and Fibres - now with more asbestos!
Funk and Fibre - feed your soul.
Brain Flakes - for the zombie in you.
Crunchy Nut Clusters - nut as in testicle.
Crunchy Nut Clusters - nut as in nut and bolt.
Crunchy Nut Clusters - the box nuts you.
All Bomb.

And that's that. What? Do you want me to dance for you? I'll dance for you!

*jig* *boogie* *thrust*

For anyone who enjoys Men in Hats...

2005-08-26T22:57:00.000+01:00

http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/current/index.html

That makes two good comic strips on the internet.

Alternative Star Wars Casting

2005-08-26T20:09:00.000+01:00

Dreamed up by Dave B and my own self.

After learning that Al Pacino turned down the role of Han Solo in Star Wars, we researched (invented) a list of other actors who turned down parts in the "overrated" series.

Timothy Dalton as Luke Skywalker - would have played him for the first two films before Pierce Brosnan took over for Return of the Jedi.
Obi Wan Kenobi was almost played by little known actor Steve Lager after an administrative error.
John Wayne was approached for the part of Han Solo. After he turned down the part (reportedly because he was "drunk") the script had to be re-written to remove the 30+ random punchings.
Orson Welles as Jabba the Hutt - auditioned, but failed due to being too much of an overbearing presence for the part. Would have played the part in a mouldy sleeping bag to emulate having the body of a slug.
Richard Burton as Greedo - just because we had to fit him in somewhere.
A German Shepherd stretched on a rack and force to walk on two legs as Chewbacca. His parts had to be re-filmed after PETA burned down the set and impaled the second unit director on a pitchfork.
Michael Caine turned down the chance to play C-3PO because he objected to having to wear a gold jacket and trousers and walk around like something from Thunderbirds.
The Emperor - Vincent Price with lines drawn on his face with a chunky marker. Would have been brilliant, but at the time was busy filming "Arch-vicar 3, The Christening".
Telly Savalas in a wheelie bin as R2-D2.
Gary Oldman as Lando Calrissian. Would have twitched and talked to himself a lot.
Brian Blessed as Darth Vader. Again, he had to be in there somewhere.
Yoda wasn't originally planned to be a puppet, bur rather Ian Holm with green face paint and prosthetics.

Perhaps more writings another time, perhaps no.

Thundercats Out-takes!

2005-07-20T00:23:00.000+01:00

http://www.claws-and-paws.com/thundercats/

"I want to see your tits, my dear!"

I saw these and thought of you...

2005-07-07T09:14:00.000+01:00

I'm not the only one who has had the lookalike-spotting part of their brain removed.

Lookey-likeys!

You'll find this fun and it WILL disturb you to your core.

Mannequin chucking!

Spam Reply: Jethro Pastry's Lonely Hearts

2005-06-10T01:00:00.000+01:00

*************************************************************************************
From: "Mary Eugenia"
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 2005 14:16:57 +0400
To: "Willi"
Subject: Hello from Marina
*************************************************************************************

Ave !
I'm a very young and energetic lady! I have very positive attitude to life
and people. I do enjoy new experience life can offer me: to see new
interesting places, to meet new people.
I do try to enjoy every moment of life and accept everything the way it
comes without complaining.
Though my life seems to be quite enjoyable there's one important thing
missing. It's LOVE!
Without my beloved one, my soul mate, my King my life is not completed.
I wish i coud find him very soon so that we could share together every
momement of the life-time romance!
What about you? Could you be my King? If answer is "yes" - you can find
more about me
http://AqA.lokingforaman.org/
good-bye,
Maria Eugenia

*************************************************************************************

Ave Mariiiiiiaaaaaa!

I am flattered by your email, and I believe you are in luck! I have always believed that opposites attract. The only example I can think of at this moment in time is Little and Large, but you get the idea. So, hopefully I can introduce myself by showing just how completely unlike you I am!

"I'm a very young and energetic lady!"

I am a very old and lethargic man. I have none of my own teeth, hair or limbs. I am so lazy that I hire an orangutan to pull my eyelids down every few seconds rather than put in the effort of blinking.

"I have very positive attitude to life and people."

I have a very negative attitude to life and people. Life, really, is pointless and you might as well be dead. As for people, I think they're a bunch of monkeyfucking jizzmoppers and I would rather play twister with a naked fatman than talk to any of them.

"I do enjoy new experience life can offer me: to see new interesting
places, to meet new people."

I hate new experiences and find all locations dull and uninteresting. I cannot bear to meet new people. Every time I do something new I wonder why I bothered and have devoted many hours of my spare time to creating a time machine so that I can go back and tell myself not to bother. As for meeting new people, I think that's been covered. These days I carry a lump of wax and a blowtorch with me at all times so that in the event that someone talks to me I can seal their faces up.

"I do try to enjoy every moment of life and accept everything the way it comes without complaining."

I try my best to foul up my life at every possible opportunity. For instance, I had a moderate win on the lottery last year and spent the money on a barrel of scorpions into which I can place my genitalia if I am having a good day.

"Though my life seems to be quite enjoyable there's one important thing missing. It's LOVE!"

Though my life is a pus coated choc ice of despair, I am missing one important thing: hate. I need someone here with me so I can hate them here in my home, rather than having to ride my orangutan to the cemetary so I can abuse some mourners.

"What about you? Could you be my King?"

We're a perfect match! I'll call you!

Hatefully,
Flight Lieutenant Jethro Pastry

Stupid Places My Dogs Have Laid

2005-05-29T04:49:00.000+01:00

Starring Ben and Cassie - official daft dogs of the London 2012 Olympic bid!

My dogs have laid down in some pretty stupid places. These include:

On the back of a chair!

Behind a cushion!

Upsy-downwards!

On some uncomfortable-looking packing material!

In a dismantled gazebo!

In a cupboard!

On each other!

Like a creepy person-dog!

That's the lot. Next time: articles of clothing my cat has urinated on!

Rejected Quality Streets

2005-05-29T03:45:00.000+01:00

Co-written by that nice man Dave B. Good greetings!

Jaundiced Twirl
Elongated Bar
Tepid Whip
Citric Paste
Vanity Cone
Mauve Splot
Edible Geode
Rosey Suppository
Cake 'N' Mash
Chive Saucer
Country Snail
Sir Lionel Folkes: Champion Jockey

Funny Joke Time

2005-05-29T03:30:00.000+01:00

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Classic Eurovision Quotes!

2005-05-22T18:18:00.000+01:00

Hooray for Eurovision and its inevitable hilarity thanks to Europeans trying to speak English! Here are the ones we spotted.

Presenters:

Male Presenter: "...meny ged perfermences!" (he replaced every vowel with an "E")
Female Presenter: "Heleouw!" (her attempt at saying hello)
Vitaly Klitchko: "You are the great!" (two thumbs up)
Terry Wogan: "Wasn't that dreadful, everybody?" (after the appalling German entry)

Song lyrics:

"My persistance is outrageous, You'll be mine 'cause I'm contagious"
"Wolves die alone" (you get the feeling this is a metaphor, but we can't figure out what it means)
"Grandma hits the drum with a mallet in the big house"
"I disappear in the sky or on the ground somewhere"

Seen in text messages from viewers:

"She was wearing the most beautiful dress I've even seen!"
"Loads of great songs mwah!"

True Facts About America

2005-04-15T23:37:00.000+01:00

Co-written by Dave, HI DAVE!! No, not the Dave most of you are thinking of.

Here are some real, true facts about our friends across the Pacific!!

The US Department of Defence recently invested $1 billion in the development of laser-guided missiles which home in on babies.
The standard greeting in America is to spew vipers from your mouth into the other person's flak jacket.
They wear flak jackets because even 6 year old girls have uzis akimbo.
Their mothers eat their young if they don't win a game called "Spelling Wasps".
They think their pop music is so much better than ours they call it "hip pop".
Their art consists entirely of murdering innocents and using their offal to adorn grotesque self portraits made of their shredded skin.
They force their unemployed to appear on a show called Jammy Spriggers with ridiculous subtitles like "When did you ever eat tarmac for me?" and "They called you a prude for not allowing a man dressed as Hitler to shit on your doorstep?".
Channel 4 are doing an exclusive program on the American pastime of Basic Ball in which stupid people are stapled into a foetal position and shot out of "Murder Cannons".
They breed cats with incredibly abrasive tongues and put them on high ladders to lick the ozone layer away, much to the ire of the great Lord Kyoto.
Americans call us "Blimeys" after a quaint exclamation common in our culture.

I hope you have had fun being educated!

Breaking News!

2005-04-13T00:16:00.000+01:00

Eh? Isn't it?

Share and Share Alight

2005-03-26T21:42:00.000Z

Here, use this link: http://rinkworks.com/said/ Now read what it says. Guaranteed to cause a series of involuntary spasms in the diaphragm. I'll understand if you can't be bothered, so here are my favourite bits. I fondly remember these making me laugh so much that the police came to the door after receiving reports of an escaped pack of Hyenas in the neighbourhood.

"If you could get it working I'd be internally grateful." -- From email sent to a web site administrator
"Try our new zesty owl." -- A marquee ad at Kentucky Fried Chicken. The "b" in "bowl" was missing.
"From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine tooth comb."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!" -- A classified ad
"You can observe a lot just by watching."

Reading these reminded me of my Dad. Not because he talks crap, but because he used to work with someone who had a tendency to get in a bit of a muddle. I'm sure I've told you these before, but for posterity I'll repeat them here.

"The Beano Manual"
"You might catch ammonia"
"He writes as fast as a train" - (trains, obviously, write very quickly)
"Croatia are the dark underdogs" - about the 1998 World Cup
"Well you know what they say, Big Daddy is watching you" - image of a wrestler peering into a window
"It costs an arm and the earth"
"Leonard Lewis" - a boxer, apparently
"Stephen Henry" - erm, a snooker player

Spam Reply: Hen Edition

2005-03-26T21:37:00.000Z

Hello,
    thank you for your touching email about things and the stuff and the
other things. I'd like to offer my assistance in coming to terms with your
loss.

"Dear friend
        How are you doing today hope your are fine."

My are fine, thank you, apart fro, being an orphan.

"As for me i'm fine too,but great things are missing in my life.I'm a poor
orphan"

No shit?! Me too!

"i lost my father in a car accident on his way from work 3years ago"

You've also lost your capital letters. Being an orphan is no excuse for
tardy grammar you know. Unless your parents were also your teachers. My
parents weren't teachers, they were farmers, and their idea of an education
was to lock me in a cage with some hens and hope some knowledge rubs off.
It turns out that apart from being an expert in henology I don't really
have any knowledge of the wider world.

"precisely januar 16th 2002"

Precisely, exactly, jjuuust on the 16th of january? Owner of the world's
most accurate pocket watch are we? Januar? Good mwar!

"He was a taxi driver and a loving,caring farther too"

How on earth did he find time to care farther when he was a taxi driver AND
a loving? My dad couldn't so much as find the time to feed me. I've been
living on nothing but eggs for three sodding years. After two years, all my
hair had fallen out and my pupils had turned yellow. Now I've developed an
irrational fear of eating small rectangles of toast and I have nightmares
that a demonic bird is growing in my colon. No, he didn't care farther than
you could throw a hen. Which, it turns out, is 2.5 meters at which point it
becomes impaled in a wire fence.

"During his death my mother took the whole responisibilities of the family
upon herself with the little sales from her petty trade."

She actually managed to take responisibibilitity and form a cottage
industry making small sails during the actual moment of your father's
death? Sorry to break it to you, son, but when PC Compassionate said "He
died instantly" he really meant "He died over the course of several
months".

"With the sales she made, she manage to put me throughmy secondary school"

Amusing images involving you in a small boat with wheels, sailing through
the corridors of a school.

"education."

Oh, right. Apologise!

"Untill one faithfull day as i returned from school i found her lying on
the floor terribly sick"

It sounds very much like a case of Llanellan's Syndrome, or "Lazy Tongue".
The tongue swells up to the size of a ford fiesta, causing an inability to
communicate other than with a stream of "L"s. You must always be on the
lookout for early signs of this. Though thinking about it, if she was lying
then she was probably alright really.

"i asked her what was happening,she couldn't speak so i managed to take her
to a nearby hospital"

Llanellan's Syndrome!

"On getting there the doctor diagnosed her,with a report that she had
developed a heart problem as a result of too much thinking and stress"

Eh? Too much thinking? Now, I'm no doctor, in fact my medical knowledge
extends to the various chicken diseases, such as Badfeather and Sticky
Beak, but I know Llanellan's Syndrome when I see it. Overthinking has no
side effects other than a tendency to shout "AHA!" as soon as your friends
say anything then punch them in the stomach.

I saw a doctor once when I had Chicken Pops. It's a bit like Chicken Pox,
but your lips explode in a fountain of pus and mucus. He was very
understanding about that, didn't charge my father for his ruined suit,
mainly because he drowned there and then.

"Because there was no money to take care of her she died."

I see your fatal mistake. YOU were supposed to take care of her, not money.
Covering her face with fivers and cramming coppers up her nose doesn't do
anyone any good, apart from getting rid of some small bastard change.

"And now am left in the whole wide world with my kid sister."

I would ironically play a violin at this point but am don't have one. I
shall have to stretch a hen to emulate playing a violin.

The hen is now in two pieces and I feel sad.

"Even now my ambition to become a medical doctor has been obstructed and
destabalized."

Mirroring the fate of your school ship car after the headmaster formed a
corridor blockade from fat kids. Eh?

"At this point i wish to humbly and sincerely ask for your kind and
possible assistance in any way to enable me take care of my little sister"

Hehehe, I'll "take care" of her alright, heheheh.

"and further my education."

As I said already earlier, my knowledge is limited, but if I am to be your
mentor let us start here. Fact: the average hen has 12,855 feathers. Also
fact: plucking a live hen results in a severely chipped forehead and no
eggs for a week.

"I pray that God will giude and bless you as u read this mail,Amen."

God is giuding me as we speak. It is most unpleasant, but at least it's
keeping me warm. Also, my name isn't Amen. Amen Homes is called Amen. Amen
Homes is also a builder specialising in church employee annexes. "Godawful
housing for godfearing people, since 1975"

"looking forward to hear from you sonnest"

Son Nest is only my adopted name, given to me by Beatrice IV, daughter of
Beatrice III and heir to the Small Collection of Bits of Straw and Shell of
Beatrice II. I'm not talking to her since I greedily devoured seven of her
children. Anyway, my real name is Northampton Bypass.

"Thanks and God bless
                     Dandyson"

Ah, so you're trapped in a warehouse full of old comics are you?

*wink*

*shuffle*

*contort*

*erode*

I'm so lonely.

It's the Top Ten - Coffee-inspired names

2005-03-15T20:48:00.000Z

1. Ken Coe
2. Cathy Hag
3. Mac Swellhouse
4. Pierre Colator
5. Ian St.Coffeegranules
6. S. Presso
7. Dec Affeinated
8. Cath Een
9. Steve Coffee
10. Mr. Drink

Spam Reply: Jethro Pastry Goes Berzerk

2005-03-12T18:49:00.000Z

********************************************************************************
From: Eloy Pritchett
Subject: Roxilox for you, Chepa studio

A WEASEL, inactive from age and infirmities, was not able to
maps. These maps, for the most part, consisted of text descriptions of how
of continually more flexible software, which could be geared to
Prior to this course I had experienced a few traditional
********************************************************************************

Look here, you ape-brained, brother-raping cumdumpster, I open this email in the hope that I'm about to be offered a genuine, real Roxilox watch at a knockdown price, and all I get is a stream of nonsense!? I'd rather have my genitals pierced by a blind quadriplege than listen to your nonsensical dribblings, you chicken necked bastard.

"A WEASEL, inactive from age and infirmities, was not able to maps."

You forced an elderly weasel to do your orienteering for you? What kind of grandma groping liver stain would be so cruel? I suppose you've enslaved a one-winged emu to do your washing up too, or do you get a leperous hermit crab to mow your lawn?

"These maps, for the most part, consisted of text descriptions of how of continually more flexible software, which could be geared to Prior to this course I had experienced a few traditional"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRAIN!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Flight Lieutenant Jethro Pastry

Rejected Blog Titles

2005-03-10T05:21:00.000Z

The Ailment Bus
There's a Lemur Among Us!
The Entertainment Lapse
Bend it like Bethlehem
Last Puffin Standing
Hideous Visage
Knees Bent Like Hedges
Three Times the Tuna
Good Mwar!
Those Magnificent Me
Welcome Back, Harold Shipman
Time for a Jaguar
Halfbakery
Gonad's
So You Want To Be A Chestnut?
Caring: A Multi-Sasquatch Approach
Suddenly! ...a horse.

Spam Reply: Unconvincing Plea for Help

2005-03-07T04:18:00.000Z

Reply to: marcel brown

Dear Marcel,
thank you for your touching letter re: moving money from an overseas account (as usual). Having read your letter I find myself less than sympathetic. Apart from the fact that I get several emails of this nature every single day, your arguments are pretty suicidal. "Don't worry dear, bears don't attack if you fire a super-soaker into their eyes" suicidal. "Nah, snakes aren't poisonous, you're thinking of bees, bees are poisonous" suicidal. In fact, they're pretty much "of course you can drink acid, citric acid is an acid and that's good for you" suicidal, and that's saying something. Allow me to show you the error of your ways, with hilarious consequences.

"My name is Marcel Brown, I have been diagnosed with esophageal Cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health"

Okay, so you're ill because you didn't look after yourself. That's alright, why I myself ate twelve cigars for dinner today!

"I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business."

Okay, so you're a workaholic, aren't we all? I once worked for four years straight, after which time my horribly arthritic fingers could only be applied successfully as some form of comb.

"Though I am very rich, I was never generous"

Me neither. In fact, if I have visitors they have to bring their own air supply, and if they use the toilet I force them to post me one flush's worth of water, leading to a very damp Welcome mat.

"I was always hostile to people"

The first thing I say when I get on a bus is "Cock you, eater of the asses!", and whenever someone tries to have a conversation with me I start discussing their shortcomings with nearby inanimate objects.

"and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for"

Well yes, business is very important. My third wife died of pneumonia waiting on our doorstep because I had the only front door key and spent three days in an important meeting.

"But now I regret all this"

Why? You're a model citizen!

"I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world"

Nonsense. If anything, you're setting your sights too low. Why stop at all the world's riches when you can become Lord and Master of Saturn and its multitudinous moons?

This is all fine, upstanding behaviour, but what really kills it is your last line:

"N.B I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital."

Using a laptop in a hospital is very, very inconsiderate and highly dangerous. So many things could go wrong!

A) The bluetooth connection links up with a nearby patient's pacemaker, causing much crazy dancing.

B) The clack-clack-clacking of the keys drives the person in the bed next to you insane, causing much death and crazy dancing.

C) The light from the screen interferes with gamma rays being used to treat cancer, causing the growth to expand in size by 1000 times, gain sentience, go on a rampage, loot, pillage and crazily dance until everyone is sorry.

I could go on. However, it's about 5am and I really should get some sleep. Just bear this in mind - to get my bank details, you'll have to be a lot more considerate in future.

Good Bike.

Spam Reply: Attack of the Nazi Jetpack

2005-03-02T02:33:00.000Z

Dear Kenneth,
my congratulations on an overwhelmingly transparent scam. You have set a high standard for others to follow.
I would like to offer a free sample of my unique skills in determining your precise appearance and personality just from this letter.
First of all, your constant use of capital letters clearly has good intentions, to lend a sense of urgency to the letter, but to me it merely suggests that you are currently an 84 year old man sitting in a wheelchair, constantly yelling nonsense. The poor grammar and spelling throughout supports this theory, and furthermore tells me that your eyes point in opposite directions outwards.
Next, your name. Kenneth is a name given only to people who wear flat caps. Ifeanyi is a whimsical name, which no doubt means you are holding a large mug in the shape of Patrick Moore.
I shall now continue my analysis line by line, as I am wont to
do.

URGENT BUSINESS PLAN

Breaking news, breaking news! There's a bit of newsreader in you, ergo you are prone to falling over backwards at inopportune moments.

DEAR PARTNER

Well here's an obvious one, you want to be a cowboy, so I'd guess you're wearing a stetson. The flat cap is on top of it.

I HAVE THE COURAGE TO LOOK FOR A REALIABLE AND HONEST PERSON WHO WILL BE CAPABLE FOR THIS IMPORTANT BUSINESS.

Courage eh. I'd say you are holding a large St George's cross shield.

BELIEVING THAT YOU WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN EITHER NOW OR IN FUTURE

You're an idealist, always striving for perfection. Therefore, you have extensive plastic surgery to your face and look like a scary mannequin.

I AM MR. IFEANYI KENNETH

Erm...well...you don't seem too sure what your name is...so I'd say...err...your arms are transparent?

MY INVESTIGATION PROVED TO ME AS WELL THAT HIS COMPANY DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT

Your investigative powers know no bound. Add a deerstalker to the hatpile, and a comically enormous pipe in your mouth.

AND THE AMOUNT INVLOVED

Anyone who says "invloved" has a jetpack.

I WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY INTO A SAFE FOREIGNERS ACCOUNT ABROAD BUT I DON'T KNOW ANY FOREIGNER

You've lived a sheltered life - due to the hermit crab-like shell you inhabit.

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE AS WE DON'T KNOW OUR SELF BEFORE, BUT BE SURE THAT IT IS REAL AND A GENUINE BUSINESS.

You're a real, genuine, serious businessman, who no doubt has thick bushy eyebrows and a constantly furrowed brow.

AND HE WAS A FOREIGNER TOO.

It's a nazi jetpack.

WHEN THE TRANSFER IS APPROVED AND PAYMENT SCHEDULE IS ALLOCATED OVERSEAS, THROUGH THE OFFSHORE PAYING DELEGATE FOR FINAL CLEARANCE AND SIGNING OF THE PAYMENT RELEASE FORM BY THE BENEFICIARY,

There's a mouthful - to accomodate all those big words, your head is 25% larger than the average man's.

I NEED YOUR STRONG ASSURANCE AND TRUST

Your legs are bound together. With spaghetti.

WITH ASSURANCE THAT THIS MONEY WILL INTACT PENDING MY PHYSICAL ARRIVAL IN YOUR COUNTRY

You have to distinguish between physical and mental arrival in a location, so you must have a glowing pulsating brain which gives you telepsynektic powers.

WHILE 5% WILL BE FOR EXPENSES

Just by the way, you do realise that 5% of 26 million is about a million dollars for expenses? How are you getting here, on a genetically engineered cyborg whale?

I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR EARLIEST REPLY THROUGH THE EMAIL AS AT ABOVE OR HROUGH MY PRIVATE E MAIL ADDRESS

"Hrough" is a sound you frequently make, having as you do the snout of a coyote.

Well, I hope we all learned something. I certainly learned never to trust a wheelchair bound, triple-hatted, shell-inhabiting, unstable, frowning, big-headed nazi jetpack-wearing telepsynektic coyote man with a big mannequin head. Take your shield and your Patrick Moore mug and scuttle/wheel/fly off out of my inbox!

- Mr Kenneth Annoyed

Good Mwar!

2005-03-01T01:02:00.000Z

Warmest mwars, one and all, to this most feckless of tapestries. I believe it's customary to put something here like "I may not have much content yet, but keep checking back!!" then not posting anything until Bill Haley's Comet passes over us again. Which, I hear, is not for another twelve million years.

I'm not going to write anything so lame though. I shall just say this: spatchcock. Confused? You really have no idea.